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JOKES |
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Add your favourite joke to the website |
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& give everyone a grin ! |
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Please try and keep them moderately respectable as this site is also looked at by those of a delicate disposition & may be offended ! |
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NAME: Mick Fletcher
STATUS: Ex Aircrewman
A typical English 40 something man, having split from his latest >girlfriend, decided to take a vacation. > >He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of >his life, that is, until the ship sank. > >He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, >only bananas and coconuts. > >After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most >gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. > >In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" > >She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. > >Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with >you." > >"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat >out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum >tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and >stern came from a Eucalyptus tree." > >"But, where did you get the tools?" > >Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the >island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if i >fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. >I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware." > >The guy is stunned. > >Let's row over to my place," she says. > >After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the >man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone >walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. > >While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the >man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. > >As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not >much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?" > >"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop >of coconut juice." > >It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you >like a Pina Colada?" > >Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down >on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman >announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. > >Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in >the bathroom cabinet." > >No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in >the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed >to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel >mechanism. > >This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?" > >When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically >positioned, and smelling faintly >of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. > >"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been >out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure >you really >feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?" She stares >into his eyes. > >He can't believe what he's hearing. > >You mean .. . " he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his >eyes.............................. > > > > > > > > >Don't tell me you've got Sky Sports!!?"
NAME: Bob Graffham
STATUS: Ex Aircrewman
Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class in Melbourne , when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his arse. If you do not mind me saying," stated the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?" I regret I cannot", lamented the first Arab. "It is permanently stuck in my arse." "I do not understand," said the other. The first Arab says, "I was walking along Russell Street And I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in Australian Flag attire with a white beard and Akurbra hat came boiling out. He said, "I am Captain Ozzie, the Genie. I can grant you one wish." I said, "No shit?" God Bless Australia
NAME: Bungie Williams
STATUS: Ex Aircrewman
Friday afternoon and Jack was sat on the train going to Pompey for the weekend. A beautiful woman gets on the train and sits opposite him. Jack can't help but notice that she is sitting with her legs open and it's his lucky day, she isn't wearing any knickers! After a while she says to him your looking at my snatch aren't you? Reluctantly he says yes. She says I can make it wink at you if you like. Jack thinks the day is getting better, go on then he says, so she does. She then says I can make it blow you a kiss if you like. Thinking that his luck is really in he says go on then, so she does. She then looks at him very seductively pats the seat beside her and says why don't you come across here and sit beside me. Jack was across there faster than Andy Vanes going to the Kimberlin Club. She then turns to him with a big smile and says would you like to put two fingers in ? F*$k me he says in great delight, can it whistle as well?
NAME: Norman Adshead
STATUS: Ex Aircrewman
The priest > > >The priest in a small Irish village loved his chickens that he kept in >the coop behind the church. > >One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered >that the cock was missing. > >He knew about the cock fights in the village, so he decided to question >his parishioners in church. > >During mass, he asked his congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" > >All the men stood up. > >"No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has any body seen a cock?" > >All the women stood up. > >"No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that >doesn't belong to them?"..............Half the women stood up. > >"No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant. What I really really mean is, has >anybody seen MY cock?" > >Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
NAME: Norman Adshead
STATUS: Ex Aircrewman
Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?" Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?" "Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror
NAME:
STATUS: Ex Aircrewman
A pub landlord won a large amount on the lottery and decided to treat his customers. He put a sign up in the pub saying "Treble whiskies only 50 pence each" After about an hour, the customers were really getting stuck in and got through 12 bottles. Apart from 2 guys at the end of the bar who'd not touched a drop all night, but just sitting there with no drink in front of them. One guy asked the landlord what their problem was. "Oh, that's Angus and Jock visiting from Scotland....they're waiting for happy hour !!!!"
NAME:
STATUS: Ex Aircrewman
My wife's on a new diet. Only eats bananas and coconuts. She hasn't lost any weight, but she can't half climb trees !
NAME:
STATUS: Ex Aircrewman
A friend of mine was taken to hospital with food poisoning. He ate a daffodil bulb he mistook for an onion. A hospital spokesman said "He's OK and will be out in the spring !!"
NAME:
STATUS: Ex Aircrewman
NAME:
STATUS: Ex Aircrewman
NAME:
STATUS: Ex Aircrewman
Heard some of these before but still funny. > > The Silent Treatment > A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving Each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next >day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning >business flight. >Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote >on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM " He left it where he knew she would find it. >The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM >and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and >see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper >by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." >Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. > > > WIFE VS. HUSBAND > >A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a >word. >An earlier discussion had led to an argument and >neither of them wanted to concede their position. >As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, >the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" >"Yep," the wife replied , "in-laws > > > WOMEN'S REVENGE >"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished >to purchase. >As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television >set in her purse. >"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. >"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally." > > > UNDERSTANDING WOMEN > (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) > I know I'm not going to understand women. > I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, > pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, > and still be afraid of a spider. > > W O R D S > A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women Use a day... > 30,000 to a man's 15,000. > The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat Everything to men... > The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?" > > CREATION > A man said t o his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be > so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. > " The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. > God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; > God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you! > > WHO DOES WHAT > A man and his wife were having an argument about who > should brew the coffee each morning. > The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, > and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." > The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and > you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for >my coffee." > Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible > > that the man should do the coffee." > Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." > So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament > and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HE-BREWS" > > > God may have created man before woman, > but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece. > >
NAME: jack
STATUS: Casual Browser
NAME: wayne
STATUS: Casual Browser
NAME: Bob Graffham
STATUS: Ex Aircrewman
The article about "Make-and-Mend" brought back memories of when I was working in the 'EMR' at Yeovilton and one Tuesday a Killick asked the Chief if he could, "Have friday off to go 303 shooting"? The CPO told him he probably could but they were too busy to discuss it now, so see him on Thursday! Thursday arvo arrived and the subject was broached again. "Certainly" said the Chief, then just as the Killick was going out the door he asked, "By the way, where are you shooting"? "Up the A303 to London on weekend leave Chief"! Fortunately said CPO had a GSOH and he told him to carry on.............. (true story folks) We even got an early mark one day when we asked the boss to solve the anagram of 'Rescue'................he got it (Secure) very quickly and honoured the humour respectively.
NAME: Tutuchinha
STATUS: MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS !
ther was once a guy...nd he said BOOO!
NAME:
STATUS: Ex Aircrewman
A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Tesco with her two >>kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. >> >>The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Tesco, nice children >>you've got there. Are they twins?" >> >>The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: >> >>"Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. >>Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they >>look alike, you dickhead?" >> >>"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would >>sh*g you twice!"
NAME: Bob Graffham
STATUS: Ex Aircrewman
Nice to hear you are on the mend Andy? Should be out in time for St David's Day Boy'o' ! Better make sure you have a leek next time? Actually I overheard two nurses that looked after you! They were talking secretively and the rather plain looking one giggled to the other (who was a bit of a stunner to say the least): "Did you see Mr Vanes in bed number 2? I was giving him a bed bath and he's got 'Logo' tattooed on his John Thomas"! The other replied; It doesn't say 'Logo' my dear, it's 'Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch'."
NAME: Andy Vanes
STATUS: Ex Aircrewman
Hiya ! Don't panic but I'm in hospital, I poisoned myself. I ate what I thought was an onion but it was in fact a daffodil bulb ! Doctor's say " I'll be out in the Spring "
NAME: Fletch
STATUS: Ex Aircrewman
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "F*** him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
NAME: Mick Fletcher
STATUS: MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS !
A guy sitting at a bar at Heathrow Terminal 3 noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself: "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?" Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?" She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself: "Damn, she doesn't work for Delta." A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?" She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list. Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: "Smooth as Silk." This time the woman turned on him "What the F*** do you want?" The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said "Ahhhhh, Ryan Air!"
NAME:
STATUS: Ex Aircrewman
A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there. Out of breath he asked, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes. I'll explain WHY later.." The nun agreed. Just a moment later two Military Police came running along and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier running by here??" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MP's disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to Iraq." The nun said, "I think I can fully understand your fear." The soldier added, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either!
NAME: norman
STATUS: Other Ex RN
"Am I the first?" he asked the lady he had met in Union Street, when consummating their friendship. " Bloody hell" she said " If only I had a pound for every time I've been asked that"
NAME: Ben Eyre
STATUS: Ex Aircrewman
Wife to husband,´ I'm going to make you the happiest man in the world tonight¨. Husband, ´I'll miss you¨.
NAME: webmaster
STATUS: Ex Aircrewman
Testing Testing (again !)
NAME: WEBMASTER
STATUS: Ex Aircrewman
TESTING TESTING !
NAME:
STATUS: Ex Aircrewman
Paul McCartney was asked if he regretted going down on one knee, he replied not at all but would prefer it if the press called her Heather.
NAME:
STATUS: Ex Aircrewman
Paul McCartney has given Heather a plane as part of the divorce settlement....... BUT..he says that she's got to use a razor on the other keg !!!
NAME:
STATUS: Ex Aircrewman
A group of chess grand masters had checked into a hotel for the latest tournament and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
NAME:
STATUS: Ex Ships Diver
… So when I first came outside I fancied quitting the rat race and I bought a cheap but isolated log cabin near Bardufoss in Northern Norway, 150 miles inside the Arctic circle, a place I knew well due to the squadron detachments. After six months or so of almost total isolation and winter darkness I was surprised to hear a knock at the door, I opened it and a huge bearded man wearing a thick red and black checked shirt standing there. “God Morgan,” he beamed, “My name ish Lars and I am your next door neighbour from 40km across the ice. I am having a solenfest on Fredag to celebrate the first sighting of the sun and thought you may like to coming. Great! I thought, after six months I’m ready to meet some locals. “Takk” I said, “I’ll be there” As Lars was leaving, he stops, “I mus varn you there vil be heavy drinking.” “No problem Lars, I can drink with the best,” I said. “Also could be fighting too,” he added. “That’s ok mate, I can get on with most people.” “Maybe I should say now there could be wild sex.” I started to warm to this invitation having been alone all winter so I asked, “What should I wear Lars?” “Don’t much matter my venn,” he said, “Joss gonna be the two of us.”
NAME:
STATUS: Ex Aircrewman
The New French Cook The French will eat almost anything. A young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city. He searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. None could be found. Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits. He successfully raised a number of them, and when he went about Paris selling them, a restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits. The young man replied, "I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have a hutch back of Notre Dame.
NAME:
STATUS: Ex Aircrewman
It is just before the England v Brazil match. Ronaldinho goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his team-mates looking a bit glum. "What's up?" he asks. "Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only England. They're crap and we can't be bothered." Ronaldinho looks at them and says, "Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself, you lads go down the pub." So Ronaldinho goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the barman to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldinho 10 mins)". He is beating England all by himself ! Anyway, a few pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers, "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on." They put the teletext on. "Result from the Stadium: 'Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 mins) - England 1 (Lampard 89 mins)." They can't believe it; he has single-handedly got a draw against England !! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down." "Don't be daft, you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!" "No, no, I have, I've let you down...I got sent off after 12 minutes."
NAME: Bob Murdoch
STATUS: Ex Aircrewman
>>I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other >>day. >>We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we >>used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd >>be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'magic'. >> >>"Wow!" I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm >>a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!" >> >>She just giggled and said she was sure I'd rise to the challenge!!! >> >>Yeah" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline >>that's a few inches wider these days!" >> >>She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me saying >>that tubby bald men were cute!" >> >>Anyway, I've put on a few pounds myself!" she giggled............ > > >>So I told her to f**k off > >
NAME: Bob Graffham
STATUS: Ex Aircrewman
sadly with nothing better to converse, we were discusing 'death' in the bar the other night! Not the nicest of topics you will agree? My contribution was that; "I hoped to die just as my father had? Peacefully in my sleep! And certainly not 'screaming and yelling'!................... as the passengers on his bus had"!!!
NAME: Webmaster
STATUS: Ex Aircrewman
THREE FOR THE PRICE OF ONE !
Three Americans and three scousers are travelling by train. At the station, the three Americans each buy tickets and watch as the three scousers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an American. "Watch" answers a scouser.
They all board the train. The Americans take their respective seats but all three scousers cram into the toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Americans saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So, on the return trip, the Americans decide to copy the scousers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the scousers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed American. "Watch" says a scouser. When they board the train the three Americans cram into a toilet and the three scousers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the scousers leaves his toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Americans are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please".
Two Scousers riding along the East Lancs Road on a motorbike They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift. He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them. He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave. "R hey lad" they say "gissa lift". The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back will he take them and he agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon on top of all the bowling balls so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough PC Plod pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies in frustration 'Scouse Eggs!' The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it . He gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers. "I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and the bastards have managed to nick a motorbike already".
A bartender was washing the glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman then looked towards the end of the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too. The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if it was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give him a glass of Chianti, too. The third patron to enter the bar was a Scouser, who swaggered into the bar and yelled, "Barkeeps', giv us a lager dere la! Hey, is dat dat God's Lad down dere?" The barkeeper nodded, so the Scouser told him to give Jesus a lager, too. As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out of the door. Jesus went up and touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian then felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out of the door. Jesus then walked towards the Scouser, but the Scouser jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't you f**kin touch me! I'm on Disability Allowance!"
NAME:
STATUS: Ex Aircrewman
THE JOKE ABOUT THE CAMEL WITH (3) DIGITS REMINDED ME OF TED CRISPIN ! SORRY TED !
NAME:
STATUS: Ex Aircrewman
David Beckham decides to go horse riding, although he has no previous experience he skilfully mounts the horse and appears in complete command as the horse gallops along at a steady pace Victoria watches admiringly. After a while David becomes a little too casual and begins to lose his grip in the saddle, he panics, grabs the horse round its neck and calls for it to stop. Victoria screams and shouts for someone to help. David slips completely out of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the ground because he is still clutching the horse's neck. David decides his best chance is to leap away but a foot becomes entangled in the stirrup. David's head is now banging along the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness, Victoria is frantic and screaming! Hearing her screams, the Tesco Security guard comes out of the store and unplugs the horse.
NAME:
STATUS: Ex Aircrewman
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be £6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be £16.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "Several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall bird with a big butt, long legs who agrees with everything I say."
NAME:
STATUS: YES
A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining", he said to his wife. "No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said. Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing". As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?" "It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" to which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red, knows rain, dear".
NAME: Forwarded by Ron
Cook
STATUS: NO
A tourist walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there,and officer from the local air station walked in and said to the shopkeeper "I'll take one of those monkeys,please." The shopkeeper nodded,went to a cage at the side of the store took out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed to the officer,saying, "That'll be £2,000, please" The officer paid and left with monkey. The surprised tourist went to the shopkeeper and said "That was a very expensive monkey.Most of them are only a few hundred pounds. Why did that one cost so much?" The shopkeeper answered, "Ah,thats a special technician monkey,he can rig aircraft flight controls,pass the F.A.A. Fitness Test,set up a perimeter defence and perform the duties of any Warrant Officer with no back talk or complaints. The tourist then spotted a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! £10,000 What does it do?" he asked. "Oh,that one" replied the shopkeeper. "Thats an "Engineer Officer" monkey. It can instruct at all levels of maintenance,supervise maintenance at the Squadron,intermediate, and ship level, and even do all the paperwork. Avery useful monkey indeed ". The tourist looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage . The price tag was £50,000. The shocked tourist exclaimed, "This one costs more than all the others put to-gether ! What can it do ?" "Actually" said the shopkeeper "I've never actually seen him do anything but drink beer, play with with his dick and wind up the other monkeys, but his papers say he's an Aircrewman."
NAME: Stokes Garland
STATUS: YES
A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you want to hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice,the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - givingthat you are blind - that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde woman 2. The bouncer is a blonde woman 3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is a blonde professional weightlifter 5. The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler Now think about it seriously, mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
NAME: Mick Fletcher
STATUS: YES
LIFE IN THE 1500'S (Some of you might remember) Just a few amusing facts ! The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500's: These are interesting... Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married. Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the sa ying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water." Houses had thatched roofs - thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs." There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence. The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet , so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a "thresh hold." (Getting quite an education, aren't you?) In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old." Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off.. It was a sign of wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat." Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous. Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust." Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake." England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer." And that's the truth... Now, whoever said that History was boring
NAME: Mick Fletcher
STATUS: YES
Little Old Lady in court...... Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age? Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old. Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st? Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me. Defense Attorney: Did you know him? Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly. Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down? Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him? Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner died some 30 years ago. Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then? Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years! Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy" and I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!" Defense Attorney: Did he take you? Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard!
NAME: Mick Fletcher
STATUS: YES
A girl came skipping home from school one day. " Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6, 7,8,9,10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied. The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde." The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "No ... it's because you're 25."
NAME: pete harrison
STATUS: YES
this young camel goes up to its mum and said.. Mum, why do I have 3 huge toes and every body else has 5 normal ones?......mum said......because we are camels and have to walk across the desert and the stop us from sinking in the sand....oh I see said the young camel and went away. A few minutes later he went back to his mum and said....mum, why do I have big eyelashes??........Mum said (getting a bit fed up with all the questions) well son, because we are camels and have to go into the desert when the wind blows it stops the sand getting into our eyes. Oh I see the young un said and again went away. Some minutes later back he went to mum.....Muuum....(mum seething by now)....Why do we have ,two sometimes three, big humps on our backs then?......gritting teeth mum put up with the relentless questioning and replied.....Well son...you have humps to store lots of water because when we go into the desert for long treks we need to drink and its can be hundreds of miles before we come across an Oasis............Oh I see her boy said and went away....youve guessed it.....some minutes later he went back to mum and said...... Mum.....what the f**?k are we doing in London Zoo then? Well I thought it was funny. best wishes to all 1962-4 ex 814 wallies and as the motto used to say (and assume it still does?) '' In this sign you will conquer ''
NAME:
STATUS: YES
A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had. The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine." The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby." The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's arse and he'll pass a Ferrari !!"
NAME: Mick fletcher
STATUS: YES
Little Nancy.................................. Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbour was moved by the little girls emotion. "Oh, I'm so sorry. But that's an awfully big hole for a little goldfish, isn't it?" Nancy patted down the last pile of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your f*cking cat."
NAME:
STATUS: YES
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: HELP WANTED…Must be a good typist and be good with a computer. Successful applicant must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer. A short time later a lovely golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it, whined and pawed the air. The receptionist called the office manager. He was surprised, to say the least to see a canine applicant. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager expectantly. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you must be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to quickly type a perfect business letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager, gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair. The manager was stunned, but told the dog, "That was fantastic, but I'm sorry. The sign clearly says that whoever I hire has to be good with a computer. The dog jumped down again, went to the computer and proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs, produced a sample spreadsheet and database, then presented themto the manager. The manager was dumbfounded! He said to the dog, "Hey, I realize that you are a very intelligent applicant and have fantastic talent, but you're a dog -- no way could I hire you." The dog jumped down and went to the sign in the window and pointed his paw at the words, "Equal Opportunity Employer." The exasperated manager said, "Yes, I know what the damned sign says. But the sign also says you have to be bilingual." The dog looked him straight! in the eye and said, "Meow."
NAME:
STATUS: YES
A wealthy married man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, " you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said. The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted. On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti…two with meatballs, one without !!”
NAME: Bill Kindleysides
STATUS: NO
What did the elephant say to the naked man? How in the hell do you feed yourself with that!!!
NAME:
STATUS: YES
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo (and he does not travel light), the driver notices that the pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me Your Holiness," says the driver," Would you please take your seat so that we can leave?". "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, " they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a Cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today". "I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning. "Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope with a smile. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. (Remember, he's a German Pope.) "Please slow down. Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear the sirens. "Oh dear, I'm going to lose my licence - and my job" moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and winds down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief" he says to his despatcher. The Chief comes on the radio and the cop tells him he has stopped a limo doing 105mph. "Bust him says the Chief" " I don't think we want to do that, he's really important" said the cop. The Chief exclaimed "All the more reason!" "No, I mean really important" said the cop with a bit of persistence. The Chief then asked, "who have you got there - the Mayor?" Cop. "Bigger" Chief. " The Prime Minister?" Cop. "Bigger" Chief "The Duke of Edinbrough?" Cop. "Bigger" Chief "The Queen?" Cop. "Bigger" "Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?" Cop. " I think it's God!" The Chief, even more puzzled and curious, "What makes you think it is God?" Cop. "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!"
NAME:
STATUS: YES
In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. A hot, dry fly, who said to no one in particular "Gosh... if I go down three inches, I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed." There was a fish in the water thinking "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches I can eat him." There was a bear on the shore thinking "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches... that fish will jump for the fly... and I will eat him." It also happened that a hunter was further up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh" he thought "if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish leaps for it... that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I can shoot the bear and then I'll have a proper lunch." You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there was more............ A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking "Gosh... if that, fly goes down three inches... and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish... the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich." A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish jumps for that fly...and that bear grabs for that fish...and that hunter shoots that bear... and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich... then I can have mouse for lunch." Well, the poor fly is finally so hot and dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water... The fish swallows the fly... The bear grabs the fish... The hunter shoots the bear... The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich... The cat jumps for the mouse... The mouse ducks... The cat falls into the water and drowns. The moral of the story is.... Whenever a fly goes down three inches... Some pussy is probably in danger.